Humans are Space Orcs
by ProfessorSword
Summary: A whole double-decker group of a ton of original humans are space orcs stories, coming from an alien who lives with the several humans on board. Hear his story, because this story is about to take a rocky ride. Or a space ride, because it's in space.
1. How do I use this?

Hey. I'm not one of your "humans" and I have no idea how to use one of your so-called websites. If this is how you use it, I give myself a pat on the back, which is what the humans on board have told me to do. If not, then this story may be a rocky ride.


	2. Humans eats Spices

| Sol 36 |

 **Tilan**

Hello. I am not one of your humans. I am an alien on a ship with several human crewmates. Don't worry. There are some other of my kind, so I'm not alone. My name is Tilan, an unusual name for a member of the Teeoran species. You might think things would be weird with human crewmates, and you'd probably be right. I'm a new crew member for this Teeoran ship, so I haven't been with contact with humans much. Also, I'm not a complete beginner. Then I wouldn't have made it onto the crew.

I was just ordered the following day to talk with Human Grant about his food, what he eats and what the possibilities are. That's no surprise, as their human food court takes up MORE THAN HALF of the whole canteen itself! Teeorans usually don't need this extra space, because we just use nutrient paste dispensers to get our meals. Tastes fine, and you'll be back to work in a couple minutes. But when the humans came in, the whole ship needed to be renovated. I just didn't understand why humans needed this much space and variety of nutrients and sustenance. So I was going to get to the bottom of this situation.

I walked down the hall to the canteen. It was much longer, due to the needs of the humans who suggested more room for them to run was a good idea. It was a bumpy turn of events to bring humans into the ship as crew members. It was a different story before humans were found.

When our kind was found by the Intergalactic Alliance, we were heavily praised for our ability to throw pretty well and our toughness to cold and heat. We were given the honor to fly with other alien crew members. Life was good, until the same Galactic community found humans. Then everything got complicated.

You see, Teeorans look sort of like humans. We have light skin to dark skin, two arms and two legs, and a system that can use carbohydrates, lipids and proteins. Most of all, we could consume dihydrogen monoxide, but only in minute quantities. The highly reactive molecule made our species more helpful and powerful, yet we didn't know why. If we consumed too much, we would hurl, or worse, combust.

The difference between us, from the information that we have gathered at the moment, is that humans do not have powers or hair color does not match their eye color, which we have. They have to use brute force or brainpower to solve their problems. But for our species, we had a language and a set magic power when we were born, and it stuck with us for our whole entire life span.

I checked my temperature sensory skin. Cold. Either the heat was down, or a human was sucking all the heat into something called a "jacuzzi". I had to investigate that later. When I entered the cafeteria, Human Grant was getting himself some lunch by himself. By luck, he was the only one in there.

I sat down on a bench with a notebook and a pen waiting to see what Grant consumes to keep him alive. He did come over, but it took him like TEN MINUTES. That's way too long to pick food if you know what I mean.

"Hey Tilan, what's up?" he said. He was holding a tray of what appeared to be a white, soft grain with a heaping pile of plant fiber and fire seared meat in a large bowl. It smelled kind of funky. The whole dish gave off steam lines.

"Oh, nothing much. I was just told by the higher ranked officer to check on what food you ate, because we were all kind of curious when pallet after pallet of plant fiber and meat were shipped into the loading station. Do you think it'll be okay if I'd inspect you a little bit?"

"Sure, sure, it's fine. You can watch." He sat down on the bench with me and began to eat. It was an astonishing site. The plant fiber looked like tiny trees with big bushels while the fire seared meat was covered in a shimmering liquid of some sort. Wonder what it was. I began to take notes. Before I finished half a page, I realized that Human Grant had left the table to go grab a jar of a red, chunky sauce. Why would a meal, already filled with the proper amount of nutrients, need more to go along with it? Even if the sauce was nutritional.

"Uh… Human Grant. What is that weird, red, chunky fluid you have with you?" I said. He sat down next to me and popped off the lid.

"Oh, it's just some spices from home. Want some?" He offered me a small wooden needle to taste. Usually I wouldn't taste test anything from what the human eats, but today I'm gathering information, so I decided to try it. Once I put the wooden needle of red sauce in my mouth, I immediately realized what I just ingested. CAPSAICIN. The drug that that's banned in 47 star systems. The chemical that the barbaric Drax uses for interrogation torture methods. The chemical that killed the Tifillon Head General when he was given some foragables on a deathworld. And I just ingested it.

I spluttered and gagged, waiting for relief or the arms of death to bring me down. The pain was too much. If this was the way I was going to die, It was going to be unbearable.

"Jeez, stop being so dramatic. Here." Human Grant picked up a cup of an opaque, white liquid and poured it into my open mouth. The pain faded instantly. When I looked back at Human Grant, he was casually eating his plant fibers and fire seared meat covered in that death sauce like nothing happened. I touched my tongue, to inspect how bad the burn was, which there was none for some reason, and dashed out of the room with a notepad full of information. The High Commander should be knowledgeable of what I learned.

 _Sol 36: Data on Human Food_

 _1\. Takes time for humans to pick out food, probably trying to find out what food to choose for optimal nutrient._

 _2\. Most human meals consist of grains, plant fibers and meats._

 _3\. Not the usual smell. Scent different from nutrient paste_

 _4\. WARNING. Humans eats capsaicin, and can eat immense amounts of it. Use of capsaicin may not be useful in torture or investigation. Further investigation needed._

 _5\. Do not eat human foods unless the humans give you permission and you know it won't hurt you._

 _Research Investigator, Tilan_


End file.
